Friday, September 26, 2014

It's Not Just For Me

(This post was written a long time ago and I'm just now having the guts to share it!)

Small note: I understand that there are many levels to depression and that there are people who need more than exercise and healthy eating to manage their downswings. I am compassionate for those people and am in NO WAY passing judgement for needing medication. I am fortunate to be able to manage my depression without medication, though that is not saying at some point in my life I won't ever need help. This post is about what is helping ME, NOW. 

Ready for some deep, personal stuff?

I had a long, emotionally charged conversation with my hubs this week.

I stated (through torrential tears and heaving sobs) that I feared I was losing my battle with depression and that I was going to have to seek my doctor's help, as in, get back on antidepressants. This felt like a huge step back to me because I've worked so hard over the past two years to stay afloat of my depression by taking care of myself, learning how to live positively, removing negative sources from my life, being a better person and, of course, by eating healthy and keeping active. And I felt like I was losing the battle. I was constantly moody, filled with anxiety, needing to be left alone, not caring properly for myself, and expecting everyone to just be supportive and let me work my way through it. Everyone was supportive, no problem there. But I wasn't doing my part - I wasn't working through it. I was wallowing in it. 

My husband was great. He knew I needed a kick in the pants. He tough loved me. 

He said that he knew with 100% certainty that my depression was immediately caused by my bad eating and lack of self control, and by my misery of not committing to something that makes me feel good - exercise. And I was suffering with guilt because I wasn't being a good mom (or wife, or sister, or daughter) and that brought me further down. He told me that it wasn't fair for him, our kids, or anyone I cared about to keep going down that path. And he was completely right. In my heart, I knew it. 

The first week was really hard .. I had to struggle to get myself up and active and eating better. I had great days and I had not so great days. Those days, I had to dig deep and remember my WHY. Pulling out of depression is one of the hardest things to do .. But I have a damn good reason. My family.

I work out and eat better for my optimal health. I feel so good every day. My energy levels have never been better and I'm so happy that I have goals that I've set and am working to achieve. I have a purpose. It's amazing how not eating junk and exercising can make me feel SO alive! What a difference. I'm actually doing what I've always wanted - to live healthy, to teach my children about living happy and healthy by being their role model, and helping others through my story. 

I exercise and eat healthy to be the best ME .. It makes me happy. I feel good and am looking good. I do it so I can give my 100% best to everyone I love. 

I don't do it just for me. 

I do it for them. 

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